Gathering ‘Round the Perpetrator For the Holidays
by Ruby the Resourceress
Submitted in 2008
This year I said no to holidays with perverts, predators, and perpetrators. Holidays at my family of origin are spent trying to catch someone in a grammar mistake, being brilliant while making mean fun of each other, and dodging my father’s inappropriate sexual remarks and fat wet kisses. My brother will get drunk and drive and no one will say
anything, although he’s had DUIs for over two decades now and it’s just a matter of time before he kills someone else or himself. Some family will even get in the car and let him drive because we just don’t rock the boat in our family. Especially if it means mom and dad have to look at their own addictions to alcohol, exercise, control, food, and sex.
The holidays at my ex husband’s house are more outwardly fun, with lots of liquor and great food and wit, such that people want to be a part of the family the way I did when I met my former husband. Who wouldn’t enjoy snappy repartee about sustainability, Cole Porter, Miles Davis, and Bhuddism? But the same lies fester beneath, the same sexual innuendoes and kisses that look like they’re aimed for the cheek but swivel and splat on the lips if I’m not careful.
When I was married, I struggled to get my husband to take my feelings of mistrust about his brother Joel seriously. When Joel was finally busted last year for coming on to his girlfriend’s teenaged daughter, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had no need for “I told you so,” only wanting the family to protect itself and its members. But this year they all gathered ‘round the perpetrator again, and I bowed out.
It may be Grandma’s last Christmas, but it’s been maybe Grandma’s last Christmas for thirty years now and she is delusional and confused anyway; who’s the Hallmark moment for?
Joel’s son Jake urged me to attend. “We’ll all suffer together,” he said in an ironic way that reminded me of his dad. I did not want to cause a scene in front of his girlfriend and my daughter, so I told him I would e-mail him. I wrote that I was done spending holidays with perpetrators and that while I was happy to be honest and heal together, suffering and
being in denial was not one of my family values.
Jake did not reply but when one daughter was on the phone with me from the festivities, he called out from the background that he missed me. As I barely know Jake I did not know what to say and felt put on the spot. I told my daughter to ask if he had read my e-mail and she said, “Never mind.” She was put on the spot too. She didn’t want to rock the boat, so she would give me his message but not give him mine. This is how abusers drive a subtle wedge between people. No one dares confront the people who are inappropriate because it seems so out of line that they could not possibly be that passive aggressive, but if someone points out the rude and inappropriate behavior, that person is seen as the problem.
It breaks my heart to see both of my grown daughters as well as Joel’s children unable to stand together to take care of themselves and support everyone in getting help. I hoped they would do better than me and my siblings. A common cultural pattern is for people to align with the perpetrator to avoid being mistreated themselves. They turn on the person who is bringing the unwanted truth to the surface. I want to cry when I see my children participate in this in order to keep “family unity.” What is that family unity worth when it is based on lies and fear?
It not only makes me sad, it makes me angry to be the only one willing to stand up to this man. I have decided to stop thinking I am the one with something to hide.
I spend much of my life confronting abuse, including inside myself. As a young mother with severe undiagnosed postpartum depression, alcoholism, and PTSD, I was my children’s first abuser. I remain open at all times to talking about things I have done that have hurt my children. Åt the same time, to apologize constantly does not give them a chance to discover how they feel for themselves, so I wait and pray for the day they decide to deal with their past. I believe that we all do and are capable of abusive actions but what counts is if we face ourselves and make every effort to change and make things right. If Joel’s therapy had really helped, the family would be involved with and talking about the healing, not pretending nothing happened.
Denying abuse guarantees you’ll pass it on in some form. Being complicit with the abuser may work for safety in the short run, but long term you end up supporting the negative behavior of the perpetrator and marginalizing the person who dares to stand against it. If we stand together, though, we can face the abuser and insist he/she get help.
This holiday season I’m saying no to festivities with perverts, predators, and perpetrators. I hope you will too.
